I write this post out of personal experience. I am not a doctor, a psychiatrist, or anything else remotely related. My knowledge lies in programming and web development, and my current job is working as a table games dealer. This is only my opinion on this, born from what I’ve seen, heard, witnessed, and felt firsthand.
Most of us have felt it. At some point in our lives, the darkest emotion has penetrated our psyche and nested deep in our soul. It’s a feeling, an emotion, a despair that cannot be fully described. Those who feel it understand it, those who don’t never will.
Those who go through depression go through it in different ways for different reasons. From the death of a loved one to a chronic state with no particular reason. Sometimes it can be caused by something as simple as a change in season. It could even be brought on by a learned reaction, things that have happened in the past. Sometimes it’s a time of year more than a season, or even a particular weather like a cloudy day, or a temperature that mimics a time of year. Something as simple as a song might trigger a depressive state. Anything that might trigger a memory or a feeling long past can cause an episode.
Depression can affect all aspects of life. It can cause an increase or lack of appetite. It can effect the depressed person’s work and career, their friendships, even their relationships. It can taint and color the reality around the one who suffers. What might appear normal and a fact of life to some might seem like the end of the world to one going through this darkest of emotions. Everyone might go through it differently, but those who feel it the worst know how damaging and painful it can be. At times, one who suffers from depression might lash out, risking the very relationships with friends and family they need to help them pull out of the tailspin.
One way of describing the emotion could be like drowning. The depressed can see the surface, the normalcy they crave, and they can see everyone else on the surface. They try to reach them, but perhaps they can’t.
Perhaps every single person on that surface is reaching out their hand to help the one who is drowning. Perhaps each and every person might genuinely care, try desperately to help that person, hoping they can save their loved one’s life.
The problem is the perception of the one who is drowning. The water, the darkness around them, the inability to breathe or perhaps even to move, clouds their judgment and senses. They might see the hands held out, but might believe those hands are trying to reach them to hold them under. Perhaps instead of concern they see laughter or looks of contempt. They might even perceive everyone on the surface as ignoring them.
The perception of being ignored could tie in with how depression is affecting them. When someone is depressed, they might believe they are worthless. Depending on the reason for the depression, they may believe that those around them are better off without them. The depressed may believe that those they love wouldn’t miss them, simply carry on with life as if they never existed. They may believe that because they have no value, if they were to simply surrender to the water and allow themselves to drown, no one would notice. If no one would notice or care, why should they continue to struggle? If no one would miss them, why should they continue onward? Sometimes those questions lead the person to believe that perhaps they are simply a hindrance to those they love, an irritation.
Regardless, everything around someone who is deeply depressed, who feels the deepest despair and pain of this emotion, can be perceived much differently. Perception, as stated above, alters one’s view of reality by providing a stained, warped version of what’s real. To the eyes of one drowning, that image they see is their reality.
Some who go through this reach out for help. They reach out to their closest friends, their family, sometimes even a stranger. They talk to anyone who will listen, trying to find someone who might help them feel like they are not so alone. They want to find someone who will make the pain stop. Someone to make them feel normal again.
Others try to deal with it alone. Perhaps they believe there is no reason to be depressed, and try to convince themselves that the emotion and pain they feel isn’t justified. In those cases, perhaps they choose to ignore it, hoping it will go away. Others may feel ashamed of the feelings, and believe that anyone they tell will judge them. Perhaps they have been judged in the past, or told how weak and pathetic it makes them appear.
Those who try to handle it alone or get no help will turn to anything to ease the pain if it’s great enough. Sometimes it’s something as innocent as music or writing. Sometimes it’s a more self-destructive tendency, like drugs or alcohol. They might lash out at those who are holding their hand out. They might view those who try to help as them as wanting to use them because the depressed might see themselves as weak. If they view themselves as weak and powerless, then they might think the rest of the world would see them the same way. Those hands reached out to help might be bitten, and the depressed would end up alienating the very ones who could pull them out of the depths of hell.
Hell, because that is what the darkest of depression truly is. It is a personal hell that at times seems as if there is no escape. Hell, because the one who feels that pain and despair can’t imagine anything worse. They are drowning, their soul is suffocating in the darkness, and their heart is being ripped apart by the demons they are hosting inside themselves.
I am have been in both camps. I have reached out for help. I have been judged, ignored, ridiculed, and made to believe that I am worthless. And even when getting past those times in my life, those feelings of self-doubt persist. I have turned to alcohol and my guitar for relief. I have learned to internalize and believe that if anything goes wrong, it is because I have failed. I don’t know if I’m right or wrong. I don’t know if my depression is justified, or if it’s just a failing on my part. Regardless, it is ever present. And yes, like above, I have had problems with viewing reality through a pure viewpoint versus the stained, warped window that usually presents itself to me.
I have alienated those who wanted to help me because I am afraid of being used. I am afraid of being made a fool of, and that fear has caused me to act like a fool on more than one occasion. My depression has cost me more than I would ever admit. I have lost people I hold dear and valued more than anything because I shoved them away.
I have purposely sabotaged some of my relationships, believing I’m not worthy. I have seen deception where there was none, simply because I couldn’t believe anyone would ever want to be near me. Sometimes I have believed that my mere presence annoys whoever might be around. I have felt that if I give voice to my desires and needs that I am being selfish, and should instead only try for the happiness of the other person. I have felt like my own happiness is irrelevant, because so many times things have happened that have reinforced that belief throughout my adult life.
Every time I have gone through this, I have eventually turned to my guitar, my singing, and alcohol. I have been hospitalized because my kidneys were failing in my mid-twenties over how much alcohol I drank. I wanted to do anything to make that pain stop. I wanted desperately to drown out the voice that always told me that I served no purpose, no reason for existing.
Even now, I struggle with it. I know that it is irrational, but that knowledge doesn’t change perception. I still believe I serve no real purpose. I still believe that people are better off without me. I still catch myself thinking people are nice to me out of pity, or because they don’t want to hurt my feelings. It is hard to believe that anyone genuinely cares and loves me for who I am. It is difficult to believe I have any real value to those who enter my life. I end up pushing away anyone who gets too close. I find myself believing that the closer someone gets to me, the more power they have to hurt me.
I write this post because this year especially there are so many going through their own hell. There are so many people suffering from depression. I would say that most, if not all, who read this know at least one person who is suffering from this darkest of despair. Perhaps they have made it known, or perhaps they are suffering in silence. I write this to implore everyone not to judge those who are depressed. Do not view their depression as weakness, but as a problem that can rarely be handled alone. They need help, they need you, to guide them. They need you to reach your hand out, to not be offended if they lash out, and help them back to the surface so they can breathe again. It might be hard, but if you can save them from that darkness, you just might save a life.
According to WHO, an estimated 800,000 people die by suicide every year. Depression is dark, painful, and can be deadly.
WebMD lists the following as symptoms of depression:
Trouble concentrating
Remembering details
Making decisions
Feelings of guilt and worthlessness
Believing oneself to be helpless
A negative and hopeless outlook
Insomnia or sleeping too much
Irritability
Restlessness
Loss of interest in things that once brought joy
Loss of appetite or eating too much
Physical pain such as headaches and cramps that persist
Digestive problems
Persistent sadness, or feelings of emptiness and anxiety
Suicidal thoughts
Anyone you might know that shows these things, please reach out to them. They might bite you, they might resist, but keep trying. Like I said above, you just might save someone’s life.
To end this post, I say to any and all who know me, to my friends and to my family: If you are hurting, depressed, or just need a friendly ear, please reach out to me. I will never turn you away. I may not understand your unique situation, but I will understand the feelings that you feel. I will understand that pain and emptiness, that darkness that clouds your senses and thoughts. I will do my best to help you through.
If I don’t know you, and you are suffering, you can email me at shenwolf82@gmail.com. I will try to help. If I can’t, or if you want to speak to someone professionally, you can always call 1-800-273-8255 if you are thinking of suicide. Killing yourself is never, and will never, be the answer.
Someone out there does love you. Someone out there would miss you. Someone out there needs you in their life.